So, it's looking more officially like Chris will be going to the Middle East for a year and we will be apart again. The part of me that has always rebelled assures me I will be fine even if I don't want to do this. Today, as he left to go do his four day shift at Yosemite I knew I was lying to myself. I mean yes, overall, I will probably be fine, but I will be lonely. We've already done a year apart and it sucked. I don't know what I'd do in Fresno-where Chris is the only one I have to hang out with gone. I'm considering options.

Option A: Follow in the footsteps of Chris and try and get a job overseas for a year. He's going to be making good money, but as long as I can pay COL expenses and my loans it would be okay. Japan would of course be my number once choice-but given that it's almost September I don't see that as being very likely.

Option B: Leave Fresno and move to LA, get a job there, and live with my Mother in Law, three dogs and the other fuzzy one. Not sure how I feel about having to start job hunting again. Especially when I'm doing well in my Fresno job even if it doesn't pay as much as I'd like.

Option C: Go to Asia and work. Not sure how this would work. This is my ideal option. The MIL has said she'll take the dog it's just the other fuzzy I'd have to worry about. I think working in Asia and being bombarded with my own new experiences would probably keep me distracted from the fact that my husband was away for a year in a place that frequently experiences bombings.

Option D: I convince someone to move out to Fresno and live with me while Chris is gone.

The benefit of Chris and I both being overseas for hopefully a year long period that would be almost the same is that when we came back we'd have the financial buffer to chose where in the country we really did want to live and to find a job. I guess the same would hold for Option B when he got back.

I don't know. Chris is getting responses from contractors for his resume, and he's almost done with Paramedic testing (finally). It's hard to know what to do next.

On that front it's a little less then one month until my sister moves out to Los Angeles and half of my family will reside in the broken state of CA where the rights of its citizens are not as important as making sure conservatives are happy. Nope, I'm not bitter at all. If you had asked me many years ago if I thought any of us would be in CA I would have said no. I would like to be elsewhere.

I just finished reading The Girls From Ames which was lent to me by Robin who had heard good things about it. It's written by the co-author of The Last Lecture . It was a good book. It made me reflect on my friendships with other girls and women and how truly sad I am that most of them have not lasted. My longest friendship is with a wonderful woman though, and we're not super close but I'm glad Lindsey and I have stayed in touch. I was very honored to be a part of her wedding last summer. However, other friendships like Abby, high school Caitlin, Ann, Kei and Christine (to some extent) have really not lasted even though I always felt very close to those people. Losing Abby hurt deeply, I wonder if she were to be alive today (I really don't know) what she would think of Chris and what happened. Abby and I always made grand plans for the future involving horse ranches and being little old ladies together. By high school though when I found out Abby was dating on accident (I was so anti boy she was afraid to tell me) I knew her heart wasn't in it. However, Abby never made predictions for my future. Lindsey pretty much had it on the nail "You keep saying you don't like guys, but I bet you end up married first." I miss having girlfriends even though I refuse to believe I'm girlie. They give good advice and I could really use some about now. If you have close friends hug them and thank them for their wisdom.

True Blood made my little fangirl heart very happy last week. Now I think I'm going to stop watching before my favorite character gets killed and my little fangirl heart breaks all over again. Not that I know anything for sure since my favorite character is still causing trouble in the books but TB is going to take a turn soon from the books so that's one risk I think I'll just avoid.
ninj: (Aya)
( Jan. 30th, 2009 07:12 pm)
There are so many possibilities. Things that I might half want to do, but nothing that I really want to do. I envy the people like Chris who know what they want. I still have no idea what I want. And so imaging the future is a bit scary. I know I can step into the void, and be successful enough to find something to keep me occupied, but what about something that I want to do? I have so many half formed ideas but too much fear to think that they're a reality.

Chris and I both know Fresno isn't forever, but I don't know where to go from here. I mean neither of us wants to stay, but where do we go? With times as bad as they are I am hesitant to just pick up and leave and go somewhere. I mean I didn't have a lot of luck job hunting in Fresno. This year was supposed to be about me finding a plan, but so far even things I half want to do I'm pulling away from. I didn't follow thorough on the library prison job because I didn't feel qualified. I don't know what to do, and I hate myself for sitting here and being upset about that but not actually doing anything about it. I just wish I felt called to do something.

Life in Fresno is turning to spring already. Something I find disgusting. I mean the trees are starting to grown leaves again. It's not even February yet. That's just freaking un-natural. *shudders*

BSG Friday. So someone (must get better at remember names) wrote a story where Kara was a hybrid. And I just think that's pretty darn cool. The final five may not have come out like I wanted it to, but I like the ideas of this season.


ninj: (Default)


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